Why People Will Give You What You Want
Bob Conklin, the author of Adventures in Attitudes, taught that the key to persuading, leading, motivating, selling, supervising, influencing, guiding others – or getting others to do things is contained in the following quote.
“To the degree you give others what they want; they will give you what you want.”
He said “you can read all the books, take all the courses, spend thousands of hours pursuing the secrets of affecting the thoughts and behavior of others, and you will discover it can all be compressed into that one sentence.”
It seems incredibly simple . . . and perhaps it is, if you really understand it. But few do. In order to make the formula work for you, there are some implications that you must know and apply. Otherwise the principle may work in reverse: People may resist you, do things you do not want them to do, or act against you.
So what are those implications? You must first give others what they want. Then they will give you the things you want. This is the part of the equation that most people have turned around. Here are some examples.
An employer feels that an employee should get praise and recognition after putting forth some extra effort.
A man says to himself: “I would give my wife candy or flowers if she would just show me more affection.”
And parents often mutter: I’ll start having confidence in my kids when they get some decent grades in school.”
A sales person tells his manager, “Wow! Would I ever be excited if I cracked that big account!”
“I could get a lot warmer toward Mike if he weren’t so cold and grouchy,” Penny silently thinks.
These people have the formula backwards!
The employer must give praise and recognition first in order to bring forth the extra effort from the employee.
Parents have to show confidence in their kids first; then they will start coming through with better grades.
Penny has to warm up to Mike first; then the indifference and grumpiness of Mike will melt away.
The salesperson must generate excitement first; then the big, juicy sales will fall into place.
So that’s the way the formula works!
You first give others what they want; then they will give you what you want. It’s known as the Law of Reciprocity. And yes, it takes patience! And it also helps to know what it is that people want. That’s it! Find out what people want. Then help them get it.
CHANGE FROM “WANT” TO “NEED”
If you could make one change in the formula you might get even better results. Replace the word want with need.
Wants and needs are separate entities. Wants are itchy, greedy forces that are never satisfied. Satisfy one want and there are several more to replace it. Needs are the deeper undercurrents of one’s existence. They are more meaningful and worthy – not as frivolous as wants.
People want riches; they need fulfillment.
People want sympathy; they need empathy.
People want fame; they need recognition.
People want expensive homes and big cars; they need shelter and transportation.
People want status; they need respect.
People want authority; they need support and cooperation.
Children want freedom and permissiveness; they need discipline.
People want comfort and ease; they need work and achievement.
People want admiration; they need love.
So, it’s safe to say . . .
“To the degree you give others what they need; they will give you what you need.”
So, what do people really need? To discover that, people must relate to one another.
That’s how you will discover what others need, so that you can apply the formula.
Relate, open up, remove your mask and others will remove theirs. Let others know you.
KNOWING ME and KNOWING YOU:
While It is true, that all humans have are basic needs of food, clothing and shelter, it is also true that in addition to the basics, there are some intrinsic needs and motivations that are not as obvious. Needs such as: Satisfaction, Fulfillment, Recognition, Respect, Achievement, Love, and Support.
One of the quickest and most reliable ways to know and understand the more intrinsic motivations is to begin with a DiSC® Profile. DiSC® will help you discover and understand your own behavioral needs and wants, and the behavioral needs and wants of others.
So what is DiSC®?
D I S C is an acronym used to describe four universally accepted behavior styles. The four styles are:
Dominance, Influence, Steadiness and Conscientiousness.
A DiSC® Profile is a personal assessment tool used to measure the intensity of the four behavioral styles found within each individual. An individual’s DiSC® behavioral style is an expression each person’s identity. It’s that which distinguishes one individual from another – much like one’s thumbprint.
Participating in a DiSC® Seminar helps individuals and teams of people learn to discuss their behavioral differences and bring about new levels of understanding – for both self and others. The rich discussions help individuals to learn the specific wants and needs unique to each individual. Having this kind of information makes it much easier to apply the formula.
“To the degree you give others what they need; they will give you what you need.”
By learning about the DiSC® Model, you will learn that what motivates you doesn’t always motivate others. Your behavioral wants and needs are different from others.
DiSC® then helps you develop creative ways to motivate, or meet the needs and wants of different types of people. So when attempting to gain cooperation or support for any endeavor, it is smart to build in motivators for all behavioral styles. Even if you don’t know the specific style of each individual, there are ways to address each style group for better response.
And when dealing with a specific internal team, it’s important to know that specific groups can have a dominant DiSC® Style or Group Culture. Knowing group culture information can give you insights for meeting their wants and needs.
So let’s learn more about the wants and needs each of the D I S and C Personalities:
The Dominant Personality Style:
The Dominant Style person is one who desires to be in control and to win. They love a challenge, and want to deliver positive results. Create a motivational environment for them where there is competition and where they can lead the team. Avoid giving direct orders to them. They like to take charge, and solve problems. And they appreciate recognition when they deliver results.
The influencing Personality Style:
The Influence style person is motivated by social recognition, group activities, and relationships. They are the perfect choice for a person to plan corporate parties or celebrations. They like to be involved in group efforts. They make a great spokesperson for any group endeavor. They will appreciate it if you spare them the facts, figures and details of a project. Cheer their efforts and they will deliver.
The Steadiness Personality Style:
The Steadiness person wants to collaborate and to help. They are very supportive but prefer not to be in charge. Acknowledge their efforts and let them know that that their contributions are appreciated by others. They are resistant to change, but if kept in the loop, it makes change easier for them. Make clear your expectations for them and give ample time for completion. They tend to be loyal supporters and enjoy playing a more formal role in any activities.
The Conscientious Personality Style:
Details and analysis are appealing to Conscientiousness Style Person. They are often cautious and don’t like change, so be sure to give them access to all the facts and answer all their questions. This personality wants to gain knowledge and become the expert. Let them know logically, what steps they need to take to be successful. They are not quick to make decisions and their tasks need to be perfect. Goal accomplishment is their idea of recognition.
Are we similar or different?
While we may have traveled separate paths on the road to becoming who we are, and our emotional temperatures may vary . . . beneath the surface we are really quite alike. We all have basic needs of food, clothing and shelter, and to be needed, wanted and loved. In addition we all have differing levels of intrinsic needs for appreciation, satisfaction, recognition, acceptance, fulfillment and a whole lot of other things that we reach out for from others. Remember . . .
“To the degree you give others what they want and need; they will give you what you want and need.”
